Intentions

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One of my readers has brought up a very good point: Do I read people intentionally? Do I set out to go to a party, with the intent to read people, and spot lies?

It’s an interesting question, because that is what most people probably do when they try to read someone else, they do it intentionally. I would guess, when the average person wonders if someone is lying, they tune into their observations, focus and watch with intent.

But I do not focus or watch with intent–90% of the time.

It just when you see a smile, I happen to see the falseness behind that smile. Or when you see someone saying they are doing well, I’ll see a flash of a pain that tells me otherwise. I can’t stop it, or turn it off. It’s as visible, to me, like the light of day.

When someone is telling you a story, and you are casually listening, so am I, but unlike most people, a red flag will pop out at me that the choice of words that person is using is odd, and out-of-place. It will feel strange to me. I can’t stop or change it. It’s who I am. It’s how I perceive the world.

For me, I am just as casual and relaxed as you are when I converse or watch people. I’m not prepared for, or expecting, a lie. It’s just that I see these hidden flashes of emotions, get these pangs that something isn’t jiving, or see these little red flags that something isn’t right. They usually pop up out of the blue. The information often blind-sides me most of the time. I’m not expecting it. I don’t focus to see it. It’s just there, before me, like a smile or a frown, so obvious to anyone watching.

Now granted, there are times when a casual conversation or encounter will pop up read flags in my mind, and I DO take note of them and consciously tune in. If I find value in the red flag, find I am personally involved, or someone I love is involved, then I may very well tune myself into high gear to really observe that person on a deeper level, but that is rare for me. Most of the time in my personal life, I don’t care too much about it. The lies are not important. I spot them, realize their source, instantaneously, and move on.

Ironically, I never set out to see lies. Rather, for me, I always set out to see the truth, and by the truth, I mean I set out to truly understand people. I always want to get to know the “real person” behind the exterior of society. Who are you, really?

I crave the truth, ironically: Not lies.

Another reason I know it is not a conscious choice for me to see lies is because in order to spot lies, you have to be highly attuned to other people’s emotions. I am highly attuned by my genetic make-up, to the point that I pick up on so much PAIN, at times, in the world around me, it’s almost unbearable. If I could turn it off, god knows there would be weeks and months where I would do it! I’ll write more about this in a coming post.

Emotional Overdrive

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I planned a get together for some friends this weekend. I was really looking forward to it, wanted to make sure everyone had fun, and enjoyed themselves.

We met up with eight friends (four more of which had to cancel due to the nasty flu that is going around) and we enjoyed some casual yet great home-style Mexican food. After that, we went to a local pub, had a drink and headed to our reserved lanes at the bowling alley to try something new: cosmic bowling. Have you tried it?

Cosmic bowling is when they turn the lights down low, add a fluoresces to things, put on spinning lights with cool designs that spatter the floor and walls, and turn up some hip music. The funny thing was our nearly 40 crowd didn’t recognize any of the “hip” music! That dated us LOL.

But the irony of the whole experience was I so wanted to make sure everyone was enjoying themselves and when I tried to read them — I was flat stone-walled by my own abilities. My lie”dar” — which is also a great people reader — flat wouldn’t register other people’s true emotions. It fuzzed over, hazed and wouldn’t give a read!! I found myself relying on face-value judgments which left me in the dark, frustrated and like a blind man trying to see without his glasses. No amount of scrutinizing brought a clearer image!

At times, I would spot a genuine smile — and I knew for that instant someone was having fun — say when they bowled a strike — but that didn’t tell me if they were really having fun all evening.

I half-expected this would happen. I’ve learned over the years that if I am emotionally-invested in an outcome of something, my abilities wane, dramatically. Realistically, my emotions override my logical abilities and I am unable to differentiate between my emotional desires and the true outcome — and I second guess myself. I have doubts and I am not sure what I am seeing. When we, me or anyone is emotional — your ability to see things clearly is not dependable.

I think I’ve become hyper-aware of my emotions and I realize when they kick in. We all have this emotional overdrive (which hits us at varying degrees depending on the circumstances)– I just don’t know how many people are aware of it and explain it like I do.

There are times when my emotional overdrive kicks in and I AM able to consciously work to shut it down and focus on the true logic at hand. I can do it– but it takes time and LOTS of effort. And frankly, Saturday night I wanted to have fun so I let things be. I floated along in the fog of wonder!

So when the lie detector most wants to know something personal — affecting her — for which she is emotionally invested — guess what? There are times when I am just like the rest of the world! I must rely on face value emotions. Boy do I hate that! I feel so handicapped.

I did have one of our friends in the car on the way home with us — who is way better than average at reading people — so I spilled my guts to him — and got his take. He was certain everyone had a good time and would do it again. I’ll just have to trust him and take his word for it.

I hate when that happens…

Are you aware of your emotional overdrive short-circuiting your logic?

Brain Defects

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A week ago last Saturday, 48 Hours profiled the case of Stephen Stanko — a man who murdered two people — and raped another. His crimes were cruel and vicious. During Stanko’s trial, the prosecutor said Stanko was a man without any remorse for his actions. I would agree.

The defense team however believed that Stanko was insane — perhaps mentally ill — so they hired Dr. Thomas H. Sachy, founder of Georgia Pain and Behavioral Medicine, to test Stanko to see if he had a brain defect. Dr. Sachy scanned Stanko’s brain using a PET scan machine.

“Mr. Stanko’s brain showed decreased function in the medial orbital frontal lobes of his brain,” Dr. Sachy tells Roberts.

Looking at images of Stanko’s brain function, Dr. Sachy explained that one region of the brain directly above the eyes and behind the eyebrows is less functional as compared to a normal brain.

Asked why this is significant, Sachy says, “Well, it’s very significant, because it is this area of the brain that essentially makes us human.” (CBS 48 Hours)

I was fairly certain the jury wouldn’t buy the defense rationale presented by Dr. Sachy and in the end, I was correct. Stephen Stanko was held responsible for his crimes and sentenced to death.

BUT I believe in brain defects. I believe in Dr. Sachy’s theory. I think he is definitely on to something! He is a pioneer in medicine. One day we will understand the brain – -but today we are still in the dark ages of understanding it.

Like every other organ in the body, our brain can malfunction, not form properly, get damaged or have defects. However, when people are judging someone for a crime — unless the person is practically incoherent and proven to be so prior to a crime, we as a society don’t buy the defense of insanity.

I find that troubling. I believe in illnesses of the brain that allow people to function normally from an outward appearance (i.e. go through life’s motions) — but have serious defects in feelings, emotions, and attachments.

Furthermore, I was watching the Discovery Health Channel last night and I caught the end of Medical Incredible. It was about a woman who was in a diagnosed “vegetative state” and came back enough to be able to communicate by pointing her fingers onto letters to spell words. It was bone chilling.

One scientist tested her brain activity and found she was thinking through MRI scans. She recognized photos of her family and her dog prior to her accident. They could tell by the areas of her brain that lit up!! This doctor then put her into rehabilitation to see if they could get her functioning again — and they did. Now the woman who was in that vegetative state communicates about the hell it was. She says they treated her body but neglected her mind. She still can’t walk or talk — but is mentally 100% there! She’s even written a book, publishes to a website and e-mails daily now!! If only I could remember the woman’s name or the doctor who pioneered her study. I can’t seem to find anything about it on the web.

Here is another study ongoing now just like it.

Imagine the implications of this on the Terri Schiavo case! I believe Terri Schiavo was mentally there to some degree– but she was not able to control her responses.

I think this all points to the fact that we know very little about our brain.

One day in the future of our world, scientists will point to us and say we in the 21st century lived in the dark ages of brain science. We killed those who were truly sick and ill like stephen Stanko — and we also killed those who weren’t ill but were paralyzed physically yet totally mentally viable (Schiavo).

This is the stuff of nightmares!

Kidnapped Missouri Boys/ Bill O’Reilly

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The two boys who were kidnapped in Missouri are making the news — on nearly every station. I watched Oprah’s interview of the families of the boys yesterday, and I heard The View comment on them as well. Many people appear mystified as to why the boys didn’t run away or get help — when they were given the freedoms to surf the web, play with friends, ride their bikes, etc.

We all naturally feel deep inside if we were held against our will in any way, we’d run as soon as we could get away. That’s a natural thought process when you are free, and when you are an adult. But people are not adding to the mix several factors.

First, these are children, impressionable children. I believe when these boys were taken, they were threatened, and the children took those threats very seriously. When an adult stranger says in a very strict tone to a child that he is going to kill him and his family if he talks, or tries to escape — and then he is taken to unfamiliar places, his family doesn’t rescue him and he is isolated from anyone he knew — that child will believe that stranger.

I’ll bet 99% of children in that situation would be instilled with paralyzing fear to NOT act against the aggressor in any way, shape or form. But more than that– when these boys were likely victimized by what I suspect is a pedophile — the pedophile had an even tighter grip. Here is why…

Once a child has been forced to participate in anything he knows is not right, bad, or unacceptable — even though the child didn’t invite the problem — he still feels shame for what has happened. A child will also feel shame for whatever occurs (sexual crimes, etc.) and some may feel guilty for going with the stranger, for not fighting off the stranger, for listening to the stranger, for following the commands of the stranger (whatever those are), for positive feelings they felt in a negative situation. The more disturbing the act done to the child– the more the child will feel negative emotions pushing him deeper into silence.

These feelings of shame, guilt, and even pleasure at times will keep a child captive and even more afraid to speak up. It’s not to say that the child doesn’t know what is going on is wrong. Often times they do — but their natural feelings of shame, guilt and fear override their logic. Internal fear of having to face what happened shuts them down even further.

It’s much like a child who is sexually abused in their own home. Why don’t they speak up??

They see their parents, teachers, friends, neighbors every day — but most often the victimized children never seek out any help until someone else notices it. This situation shares many parallels to children who are kidnapped and abducted. Now, imagine all the isolation and power of an abduction. Add back in the paralyzing fear of a stranger threatening to kill you and your family and the lack of support from being removed from everything you ever knew. You will have a child held prisoner without any walls.

Furthermore, children don’t rationalize like we do as adults — that they shouldn’t feel shame — even though they do. They don’t rationalize that they didn’t invite the problem and that it is not their fault. Even some adults when victimized can’t help but feel shameful, dirty, fearful and sometimes even partially to blame — when they logically know they did nothing to provoke an attack. Even adults aren’t always able to override and rationalize their emotional feelings — so we certainly can’t expect that of children.

I hope people go easy on these children. I hope I can somehow help people understand some of the feelings these boys encountered and why they reacted the way they did. The boys need time to heal and understand that they did nothing wrong — that instead they encountered a very sick and twisted man.

When I watched Shawn Hornbeck on Oprah yesterday, I could clearly see the dichotomy of his emotions on his face. People are giving him a standing ovation, they are proud of him for making it through — and while he is happy to free and back home — he also feels tremendous shame, insecurity, and negativity. Instead of feeling all happy inside, Shawn mostly feels violated, and ashamed about what he went through — and to see all this happiness in his despair doesn’t make sense emotionally to him. Logically, I think Shawn understands it — but emotionally the pull is too strong and too difficult to make sense of and then the confusion sets in.

Shawn’s healing — as with all people victimized by crime — will depend on his ability to delineate logic from his emotional responses. If he can differentiate his emotional feelings from the logical facts — he will start to heal. He will realize this attack had nothing to do with him, was a random act of violence and that violence of this sort is rare — which is so much easier said then done. If he allows his emotions to control him, he will face continued turmoil. This is true for much of people’s heartaches in life.

Shawn also has to look at the world now and realize just because people are nice — and pleasant looking — doesn’t mean there isn’t a monster lurking underneath. The trust issues Shawn and Ben will face in life will be huge.

My heart goes out to them.

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On that note, I have seen Bill O’Reilly’s response to the news about the boys — and he is saying that he thinks Shawn Hornbeck liked his stay with the suspected pedophile. This comment from Mr. O’Reilly doesn’t surprise me — because Mr. O’Reilly can’t read emotions in people. He is what I call a ‘literalist’. He takes everything at face value. He only sees black and white. Mr. O’Reilly is color-blind.

Anderson Cooper

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As someone who sees lies, I also see good things, too. I see the truth, sincerity and honesty. I see people who have great integrity. I see others who would give everything off their back to help a friend in need. I see kind souls, untroubled by the burdens of society.

One person who has touched my world lately while watching TV is Andersen Cooper from CNN. He deserves accolades for his integrity. Cooper is a very ethical man who fights to keep integrity in journalism yet also shows us a more human side — which is a rare and unique balance not often seen today in news story reporting.

Cooper isn’t afraid to show his emotions when he reports news for CNN. He is a genuine, caring and kind man. He is a special man — that truly stands above — even outside of his professional career.

I bet if you could get Cooper’s friends to talk about him, they would tell you he has a great sense of humor, is fun to be around, and he will try just about anything once — but they also would tell you that he is a big, compassionate, empathic person — with a huge heart — who cares about the people in his life deeply. Cooper cares about humanity — and doesn’t take other people’s feelings and emotions lightly. He doesn’t put on a TV face to report the news. He is himself, to the core.

If I was in a situation where I had to put my life in Cooper’s hands to survive — I wouldn’t even blink an eye in fear. I’d know hands-down that Cooper would do the very best he could. He is a deeply trustworthy and honorable man.