Marriage and Lies
I just finished watching Oprah this morning. I decided to play a little hookie and enjoy my morning routine — on the couch! Just sadly, The Oprah Show wasn’t relaxing nor fun. It was painful to watch.
The theme of the show? Husbands who kill.
(loud sigh)
How horrific, yet sadly it is a fact of life for three women each day.
The woman I tuned into was Karen Fox. She was young, had a baby face, long straight sandy-blonde hair with blunt bangs, and wore a preppie outfit.
When Oprah asked Karen if there were any warning signs, she blinked her eyes rapidly and said there weren’t. It didn’t sit right with me and I doubted her, yet my heart embraced Karen for all that she had gone through. This poor woman, who still looked like a little girl in many respects, stole your heart in her near stoic responses.
Her husband Michael had knocked on her door. They were divorced or separated (I don’t know which) and he had the children for a visit — just when he returned, he didn’t bring the children. It was only he at the door. He came in and walked to another room. Karen followed asking what he was doing and then he pulled a knife and stabbed her more than 59 times. And while stabbing her, he told her that she needed to be with her children.
Yes, he had killed them too. Two beautiful school age kids: a boy and a girl.
Were their warning signs?
You betcha. As the story went on, there were more indications that there was trouble brewing prior to this horrific ordeal. Karen’s mom and friend gave indications that Karen may have lived in denial for the 10 years of her marriage.
I believe Karen didn’t want to confess to all the lies her husband had told to her in the marriage and leading up to this violent event because (a) she did live in denial, and (b) she didn’t believe lies were warning signs — but they were and are.
Karen also made it clear her husband wasn’t violent beforehand, and this I believe, was true. He wasn’t violent — he just lied and lied and lied — until he was so deep in lies there was no escaping it.
Furthermore, in a startling statement, she and her mother both concurred that Michael was a good father and very involved in their children’s life. I believe this is true, to a degree, too.
Perhaps that is why Karen excused her husband’s lies and continued to live in denial … because he was a good dad? I am sure many people would make this fatal mistake. It is human, no doubt, to do so.
That was the fatal mistake that cost Karen her children’s life and nearly cost Karen her life.
Nothing excuses a lie after lie after lie. Ever.
Let it be your warning sign. Make a mental note now if anyone starts on the path of multiples lie telling to you — it’s your notice start looking out for yourself.
Psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig came on the show to concurred with what I thought: There are always warning signs. It’s just Dr. Ludwig didn’t state that the best warning sign you have are lies. I so wish she would have. Our society today is so complacent with lying. Too complacent.
Lies in a marriage are the biggest warning sign that things are going to get ugly — no matter what — just how ugly — no one knows. If your spouse is lying to you — or has lied to you in the past — be careful. It is a bad sign that things will not likely improve.
Lies are the best indicator of the health of a marriage.
When someone lies, especially in a marriage, it means he or she values himself or herself more than they value their partner. It means that they are selfish and self-centered, and willing hurt others for their own gain. It means the partnership is seriously damaged, if not already destroyed.
If your partner ever lies and refuses to acknowledge it, you are in serious trouble — walk out the door!! Walk out the door before it ever goes this far.
However, if your partner owns his lies, is willing to talk about them at length and is continually open to discussions about it (most critical!!) whenever YOU feel like it, and is willing to learn from the experience — over and over again — without anger towards you — you’re moving in the right direction. This usually happens with little lies — however the bigger they get, the likelihood of this reduces dramatically.
If your spouse gives you ONE ounce of anger or denial for his lies — your back on the floor and should start running — AWAY — as fast as you can! You’ve reached a critical intersection in your marriage. You must realize that you are no longer in a partnership, but a one-way street that will only result in your destruction unless you do something about it.
The worst of worst scenarios happen when people find themselves at this intersection of denial, and turn their back to these gross lies. Most hope against hope that turning their cheek in denial will allow things to blow over and they will get better someday, somehow, some way. I can promise you IT NEVER, EVER DOES.