A Study of Honesty: Stacey Barfield
Watch Stacey talk to the media. What do you see?
You see a mom whose emotions are odd when she talks about her little girl being murdered. People have written to me multiple times wondering how a mother could be so light-hearted as she is in this video. Stacey, the mom, even laughs at one point. I think this is an excellent video for the study of honesty.
We might flag Stacey on these behaviors, if we didn’t know the truth. And to flag her is okay, but one must not rush to judgement. I always say we must have three solid red flags or even more before we judge anyone, and here we only have two.
If we didn’t know the outcome as we do here, what could explain this behavior?
If we plug in shock and disbelief–that the truth hasn’t sunk in–it makes sense–that the mother hasn’t processed the situation at all. She may also be having trouble grasping the situation for a variety of reasons.
Police say her little girl, Hailey, was found shot to death in the perpetrator’s home.
I get the impression that Mom’s expressions are always quirky. I don’t think she reacts, as a rule, like other people. My gut tells me that I have to shift my idea of “normal” to fit her “type.” I saw a few flashes of crushing pain flash through here eyes. I imagine her to be overwhelmed as a rule. I also see her as a nice, but naive lady. Her daughter’s face gives me the same impression even without speaking. I think her daughter made an easy target. Oh, and I would also like to point out that she is a non-linear thinker. She went from A directly to E and confused the reporter. When she said, “…she’s fine.” I think that she was trying to express the fact that her daughter is dead (a), her daughter isn’t suffering anymore (b), that she figures she’s in heaven now (c), and that she’s up there with the angels with wings now (d), and is, therefore, “fine.”(e) I don’t see her non-linear shift as an attempt to gloss over what happened, to hide anything, or to make light of her pain, her daughters pain, or her daughter’s death. I saw that as the footprints leading to her coping mechanism. I don’t know that she can do more than that at this moment. I suspect that one night, she’s going to sob for hours out of the blue. I am so sorry this happened to her daughter.
I get the impression that Mom’s expressions are always quirky. I don’t think she reacts, as a rule, like other people. My gut tells me that I have to shift my idea of “normal” to fit her “type.” I saw a few flashes of crushing pain flash through here eyes. I imagine her to be overwhelmed as a rule. I also see her as a nice, but naive lady. Her daughter’s face gives me the same impression even without speaking. I think her daughter made an easy target. Oh, and I would also like to point out that she is a non-linear thinker. She went from A directly to E and confused the reporter. When she said, “…she’s fine.” I think that she was trying to express the fact that her daughter is dead (a), her daughter isn’t suffering anymore (b), that she figures she’s in heaven now (c), and that she’s up there with the angels with wings now (d), and is, therefore, “fine.”(e) I don’t see her non-linear shift as an attempt to gloss over what happened, to hide anything, or to make light of her pain, her daughters pain, or her daughter’s death. I saw that as the footprints leading to her coping mechanism. I don’t know that she can do more than that at this moment. I suspect that one night, she’s going to sob for hours out of the blue. I am so sorry this happened to her daughter.
Good point Doux, a person’s baseline behaviour is important.
Good point Doux, that a person’s baseline behaviour is important.
I , too, saw some flashes of real pain. I would think the mother is in shock, but she is a person, who has a lot of problems with her personality and intellect. I don’t think I have ever seen or heard anyone say their recently murdered child is fine. I respect her religion, but even, people of faith have a long, hard time accepting the death of their child. This mother seems embarrassed to have people trying to console her. She strikes me as the type of person, who has had a lot of hard knocks in life, and she has been taught to keep up a front and to keep her feelings to herself.
I , too, saw some flashes of real pain. I would think the mother is in shock, but she is a person, who has a lot of problems with her personality and intellect. I don’t think I have ever seen or heard anyone say their recently murdered child is fine. I respect her religion, but even, people of faith have a long, hard time accepting the death of their child. This mother seems embarrassed to have people trying to console her. She strikes me as the type of person, who has had a lot of hard knocks in life, and she has been taught to keep up a front and to keep her feelings to herself.
I am not sure why people react with a statement to downplay a crisis, but some people do. I am reminded of an incident that happened in my neighborhood. A 4yr. old boy kept riding his big wheels from his driveway to our’s, enjoying coasting because of a slight incline between driveways. I had been watching and worrying about him wheeling out in front of a car, for awhile. Finally, it happened. An elderly woman couldn’t stop in time, and the impact knocked the boy off of his big wheels and onto the street. I went running out, as well as the boy’s mother. The elderly woman was shaking so hard that she could hardly stand up. The mother ran out of her house, saying, “He’s O.K., He’s O.K. We had to talk her into taking him to the E.R. to have him checked out. Fortunately, he didn’t have serious injuries, but he was bruised and scratched up. I am still amazed by the mother’s reaction to the situation, and I have wondered why she would automatically look at her child having been hit by a car, and have that kind of reaction.
I am not sure why people react with a statement to downplay a crisis, but some people do. I am reminded of an incident that happened in my neighborhood. A 4yr. old boy kept riding his big wheels from his driveway to our’s, enjoying coasting because of a slight incline between driveways. I had been watching and worrying about him wheeling out in front of a car, for awhile. Finally, it happened. An elderly woman couldn’t stop in time, and the impact knocked the boy off of his big wheels and onto the street. I went running out, as well as the boy’s mother. The elderly woman was shaking so hard that she could hardly stand up. The mother ran out of her house, saying, “He’s O.K., He’s O.K. We had to talk her into taking him to the E.R. to have him checked out. Fortunately, he didn’t have serious injuries, but he was bruised and scratched up. I am still amazed by the mother’s reaction to the situation, and I have wondered why she would automatically look at her child having been hit by a car, and have that kind of reaction.
When an unexpected death happens like this, the emotions are so confused and off. When my dad was killed in an armored car robbery, I remember my exact words to the police when I found out the murderers had gotten away with the money was, “I hope so. If they were going to killed him for it.” I know I slightly laughed at my very not funny joke. I was in shock and none of it seemed real. I know I laugh at really bad times when I’m stressed.
One thing I told myself before I went in front of local news cameras was I would never give the media the satisfaction of seeing my cry. I was described by the same media as, “being unusually in control”.
I have been on news outlets and read posts where people have made armchair accusations of people based on these reactions to the deaths of loved ones. This kind of stress is different from any other.
This particular mother has that same look between stress and hollow, confused shock that many people get in the same situation. It scrambles a little, depending on the person. Which is how I wonder how a truly accurate can reading can be deciphered in circumstances like this.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That had to be hard. You sound like you are describing nervous laughter, which is distinct if you know what it is. Yes, sometimes we are in shock and cannot accept or process what has happened. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us.
Thank you. So, what are the cues looked for in this kind of situation, to pull up genuine emotion from confusion?
I person who is showing nervous laughter will demonstrate either confusion, alarm or embarrassment. They will also show conflicting emotions, or out-right denial (which will be consistent). All are normal.
When an unexpected death happens like this, the emotions are so confused and off. When my dad was killed in an armored car robbery, I remember my exact words to the police when I found out the murderers had gotten away with the money was, “I hope so. If they were going to killed him for it.” I know I slightly laughed at my very not funny joke. I was in shock and none of it seemed real. I know I laugh at really bad times when I’m stressed.
One thing I told myself before I went in front of local news cameras was I would never give the media the satisfaction of seeing my cry. I was described by the same media as, “being unusually in control”.
I have been on news outlets and read posts where people have made armchair accusations of people based on these reactions to the deaths of loved ones. This kind of stress is different from any other.
This particular mother has that same look between stress and hollow, confused shock that many people get in the same situation. It scrambles a little, depending on the person. Which is how I wonder how a truly accurate can reading can be deciphered in circumstances like this.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That had to be hard. You sound like you are describing nervous laughter, which is distinct if you know what it is. Yes, sometimes we are in shock and cannot accept or process what has happened. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us.
Thank you. So, what are the cues looked for in this kind of situation, to pull up genuine emotion from confusion?
I person who is showing nervous laughter will demonstrate either confusion, alarm or embarrassment. They will also show conflicting emotions, or out-right denial (which will be consistent). All are normal.