I read a blog titled Deception Blog from time to time… because as you would guess I am interested in the study of deception detection.
Yesterday this blog posted a link to an interesting article written by Dr. Paul Ekman, who is a world renowned facial expression expert. The article Dr. Ekman wrote was published in Sunday’s edition of the Washington Post.
You may find this article interesting. I certainly did. I think the SPOT program is an excellent idea!
As someone who sees lies, I’ve stated before I am amazed at how when I meet people, I am positive, open-minded, and trusting.
You’d think otherwise, wouldn’t you? So would I, but I don’t. Even to my amazement.
I always give strangers the benefit of the doubt. And amazingly, I do not walk around the planet grumpy at all the lies I see. I may be sad, at times, because the lies represent an over abundant amount of troubled people, sad people, insecure people and people struggling to cope with the harshness of life, but I am never grumpy, mistrusting or edgy. I truly believe this is because I am confident I will catch a dangerous or impact-me lie when it rears its ugly head before it will seriously hurt me most of the time (Do know I do not believe I am infallible).
However, there is one arena in my life where I do not trust people. That arena is business, and only when I am the customer in the transaction!
When I meet service professionals or salesman, while I am friendly and extend a handshake, and I want to believe they are honest — I have uncovered enough lies in my lifetime to know better.
When money is involved in a transaction, YOUR MONEY, beware.
A-L-W-A-Y-S.
I say NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN. Ever!
(unless it is a relative or relative of a friend — then, well maybe…)
Be warned.
People, by human nature are greedy when it comes to the green stuff. Remember, we all need it — and when you are the customer — the main reason that salesman is working is to get that green stuff: YOUR GREEN STUFF.
When you sell a car, you don’t tell the prospective buyer all the reasons why he shouldn’t buy your car now, do you? Of course not. No one does! We each have to look out for ourselves. That isn’t to say someone won’t be honest if you ask the right questions, but that’s the key, you have to know what to ask, and what to say, and most people don’t.
But there are honest salesman, you say? Yes, there are. I’d say they are less than 10%, less than 1 in 10 — maybe even less than 1 in 20. You have to work to find them.
I have seen so many switcheroos, product fact lies, warranty lies, product misrepresentations, ignorance, b.s., etc., and plain old “sorry ” lies that I could write a book! People get taken more than any of us would ever want to know. To me, it is horrifying! And even with my abilities to see lies, I’ve been lead down that garden path. When it comes to money, these guys are good!
When we don’t know someone, and we aren’t connected to them in anyway, it is much easier for them to over charge, misdiagnose, misguide, misrepresent, etc. I believe it is human nature. Yes, human nature. Even good honest people get callous over time when exposed to the sterility of business. Business is a sterile arena in our lives. We don’t see the pain we’ve caused others by intentionally or unintentionally misleading, misrepresenting, or misguiding them. The process of dishonesty, in this area, sadly doesn’t bring many consequences to reprimand the behavior.
Furthermore, businesses are sure to pass the buck when it comes to blame. We’ve all seen it. “We didn’t know any better,” “The manufacturer didn’t tell us that. Talk to the manufacturer”, and the circle of blame begins!
My solution to this problem: Do your homework–no matter what you are buying. Know the facts, find the details, and be one hard negotiator. Become the expert on everything you buy. You don’t know how many times I have done my homework, and then listened to the salesman and knew instantly that the guy was ignorant, and bullshitting his ahem-off just to make a sale!
When you do your homework, then and only then are you likely to get a fair deal, and even that isn’t a guarantee that something won’t go down after the transaction and before delivery. Even that happens more than you’d want to know. But with a little homework and knowledge, you do scare off a large majority of problems.
Don’t want to put any effort in? You’re a salesman’s best friend!!
CBS 60 Minutes on Sunday night ran a story about the Duke University lacrosse team members who have been accused of raping an exotic dancer who was hired for a lacrosse team party.
I have not followed this story nor read about it since the news first broke — so when Ed Bradley of 60 Minutes told the story, I was intrigued — especially since the three accused guys were going to speak out. Furthermore, one of the two exotic dancers, Kim Roberts, was going to speak as well. The victim did not speak. Yes, only one dancer claims to have been raped.
For those who watched the interview, CBS 60 Minutes pretty much dispelled the belief for the average person (who doesn’t see lies) that the three guys who were accused on the lacrosse team actually raped the dancer. They gave the facts that the entire team (outside of one) submitted to DNA tests — and no one was found to be a match — including the three suspects. More than that, one guy had an alibi for the time in question which is verified on video surveillance — and another accused guy says he will give one in court.
When I watched the three accused lacrosse members speak: David Evans, Reade Seligmann, and Collin Finnerty; both David Evans and Reade Seligmann come across as genuine and honest — and everything they said was logical. There are no contradictions. I completely believed what they said. And with Collin Finnerty, while I don’t believe he lied, he was the most stressed and the most worried of all three guys — and says the least on camera. It makes me wonder what perhaps he might know. Maybe he knows something. Then again, he may just be the most nervous facing the news crews. I can only guess.
Furthermore, 60 Minutes reports that the District Attorney said once he got the DNA samples from the team, it would prove who was innocent, and he would drop the case for those cleared. But in fact, the DA hasn’t dropped the case. Instead he is moving forward — without any DNA matches and making a spectacle of himself. Rumor has it he used this case to help win re-election — as he needed the black vote (the dancers I presume are both black). He has even made an outrageous allegation that perhaps the rapists wore condoms — when the victim herself has made a statement that the rapist did not!
But it gets more interesting.
60 Minutes goes on to say that statements the two dancers gave to police, separately, have both been inconsistent and have changed on more than one occasion. What that would lead anyone to believe is the that the two dancers are lying — that the rape didn’t in fact occur, right? However, the two dancers DON’T AGREE about what happened. So who do you believe?
This is where the irony comes in. The dancer who is not the accuser in this case doesn’t agree or “recall” that the other dancer was or could have been raped. She didn’t say this early on — but that is what she says to 60 Minutes on this day. And the odd part — I don’t believe her statements made on CBS 60 Minutes to be 100% accurate, yet I believe the two of the three guys accused are innocent for sure — and the third one likely is too.
Ms. Roberts, one of the two exotic dancers, hits me as someone who is twisting the truth, saying half-truths and in general is being very evasive — and I would like to know why. While I don’t believe her, I am not sure her inconsistencies point to the fact the victim did get raped. Could this point to the fact she is covering something else up? What could she possibly know or want to hide??? I can only guess at this. I just sense something is up with her odd statements.
When Ms. Roberts spoke, I found it strange that I didn’t believe her, immediately, from the first few words out of her mouth — though at times, snippets of what she said I believed were true. It was almost instant and I can’t give a reason. Then as the interview went on, I believe it was a combination of her pouty lip that she curled downward as she spoke, the way she tensed her lips as well as the way her behavior changed during the interview.
At times, Ms. Roberts would speak directly at the camera — confident and sure. Other times, she would look down as she spoke — and her confidence vanished. Her voice changed from solid and steady to weak and meek! Her demeanor completely changed. When you are honest, this doesn’t happen out of the blue like this. It’s a big red flag.
DO KNOW these are not guaranteed signs of a liar — but in this situation combined with the other elements — the behavior was dramatically different within the same context — which made it unusual — and that is why I don’t believe everything she says. You have to ask yourself: Why was Ms. Roberts acting differently all of the sudden, for short bursts of time? Other times, Ms. Roberts smirked — and I found that odd and out of place as well. She smiled and grinned at odd times. These are all red flags that make me not trust her.
Furthermore, Ms. Roberts choice of words was telling. She said, “I just don’t remember that conversation happening ever”. I find the use of the words ‘that conversation’ interesting. So what was the conversation that she remembers?
Ms. Roberts goes on to say, “No, I did not say those words.” I find the use of ‘those words’ interesting. So, what words did Ms. Roberts use? She doesn’t volunteer.
Why the odd choice of words? Normally one would say, “I don’t remember that”, “I didn’t hear that”, “I didn’t say that”. It reminds me of President Bill Clinton, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
When we are honest, we don’t speak that way. I suspect more went on at this party that all of the party-goers are keeping quiet — because if it comes out — none of them will look good. None of them — innocence and all. I think they all agreed to do some things (players and dancers a like that was perhaps illegal for both parties involved– and then things went funny, they didn’t agree about it, etc.). That’s just my two cents. It would explain all their behaviors. We may never know what happened behind closed doors… but I don’t believe these men are guilty of rape.
If you haven’t read this, STOP and read this FIRST. No need to get the answer if you haven’t read the question/story!
Is your friend telling you the truth or a lie?
Answer: A lie
Two readers questioned this and they were right. I know many people have stopped by, peered and wondered.
This is a true story that was told to a member of my family last week. When the story was relayed to me, it just didn’t sit right. Mind you, I didn’t hear the story being told by the perpetrator (we don’t even know who that is), nor did I see facial expressions or clues that this was a lie. This lie was simply discovered by applying logic. Furthermore, the person who told my family member was a recent widow and the more I thought about it, the madder I got. Being a recent widow is enough. Then to have to hear this story is just too much. Of course, now I wonder who started it and why!!
As I sat contemplating how I’d have to change my lifestyle if two thieves were running around my neighborhood, I kept hearing my family member relay the story to me. In particular, I kept hearing them say, “It takes 10 days to get published in the newspaper.” As I looked out the kitchen window, those words kept playing through my mind like a bad song you can’t purge from your memory.
After I stopped thinking about all the ways this would affect me, the broken record finally got through and I knew this was pure bull dust! We live in the information age. Ten days? No way! Maybe back in the stone age, but as long as I have been alive — the morning headlines have always been up-to-date. I knew this was pure and dirty hogwash.
Another thing that immediately bothered me was the word “robberies”. People weren’t being held up with a gun. These were burglaries. If the cops knew about this — and were perhaps at the association meeting — this would have been stated accurately. And frankly, you don’t call an association meeting and tell people this horrifying news without police support and guidance to (a) help catch the bastards (b) give safety advice to the neighbors/neighborhood. While the words could get mixed up, it was just another flag that I filed in my list of concerns.
Furthermore, I started to question the fact that these guys were black. How do we know these guys are black? Did someone’s security camera get them taped? Did someone see them? If so, then where are the artist renditions or video footage or black and white photos?? Why aren’t there WANTED signs posted around? Furthermore, why weren’t they handed out at this supposed association meeting?
Another signal to me was why would one neighbor know about this from the association meeting and not the other? The likelihood is that both neighbors live in the same association. If this information was going to be told at an association meeting — wouldn’t there have been a flier put out, perhaps? Maybe, maybe not — but if the police were involved — and wanted to catch this guy — you can pretty much be sure they would want to let everyone know — so people could help spot these guys and solve the crime spree. So, likely there would have been a flier — and a flier with faces of these guys on it. It’s not a certainty, but certainly likely. Another red flag.
Also, the details were spooky. Who was dreaming this up? A hat and gloves? They’d only take jewelry, drugs and cash. What, these guys didn’t care about TVs, DVDs, or computers? That’s unusual. People who steal for drugs — want money!! Anything valuable is worth money.
And they didn’t break anything, but took these specific valuables. Twenty four homes had open windows and doors — in a matter of a couple of weeks — that were left unlocked when no one was home. What are the odds??
This story was smelling really rotten to me.
At this point, I got online and browsed the local papers.
Nothing. Zip nadda.
Then I asked my husband to call the local police and ask. I wasn’t buying it — and furthermore I wanted this demon of monsters roaming my neighborhood stopped. We don’t have many black people in our town — and I can’t imagine how a rumor of this proportion would affect them — unfairly!!
On our way home from my relatives house, we saw a black family fishing and my heart sunk. How many people looked at them with fear? Unfairly. Unjustly. How many people treated them rudely out of pure ignorance?? It was vile and wrong.
My husband called. The police said they weren’t aware of any break-ins in the past couple of weeks. When my husband said he had heard there were 24, they said they would absolutely know about them and that there were none reported — rest assured.
Truth exposed.
Thankfully!
Be vigilant. Look over the facts, think about them. Ask yourself are they logical. Question them and then, if possible verify what you can. While your friend may not be knowingly telling a lie — someone is and has passed it on to her — and you have the power to stop it — dead in its tracks.
Imagine you live rural, and you get a phone call.
(((Ring, ring)))
It’s your neighbor friend. She says hello and then you say hello. Then she starts talking…
“How are you? I’m just calling because I found out something you might want to know about. I guess there have been 24 robberies in the neighborhood very recently — so recently it hasn’t made the news yet. You know, it takes 10 days or so for the papers to get the story published.”
She goes on, “I’m really afraid. I went out and bought some security equipment.” She explains the equipment to you, and tells you how vulnerable she feels living alone.
“They say it is two black men, and they break in during the day when no one is home. They don’t break windows or anything — they take entry via open doors and windows. They take cash and jewelry and prescription drugs. They also wear gloves and a hat.”
You can tell she is concerned. You live in an area where there are lots of vacant vacation homes. She continues, “I found out about it from my neighbor who lives right next door. She went to an association meeting where they discussed it. Be safe, okay?”
Is your friend telling you the truth, or a lie?
Why do you say that?
