Dateline: To Catch a Predator

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Have you seen the series produced by Dateline NBC: To catch a predator? It’s a difficult show to watch, but also a show you don’t want to turn away from. The realization that we have that many sexual predators openly approaching strangers houses in city after city after it is widely known that the show is traveling around the country is mind boggling.

We are facing an epidemic in sexual compulsive behavior where predators feel they can safely and privately lure their victims without anyone knowing — and it is clear they are getting away with it more than any of us would ever like to know.

If only we could profile these guys — so we could look out for them. But sadly, if you have watched this show, there is no profile that fits these guys. They come from all walks-of-life.

I thought it would be interesting to review the red flags I spot in cases where we are unsure someone is lying — to a case where we know for sure someone is lying.

What is interesting about this guy is he doesn’t do any of the classic liar signs that most people look for during most of his lies. He doesn’t shift his eyes, he doesn’t look away — he looks straight into Chris Hansen’s eyes. But he does give off classic “thinking clues” in his lies. He is thinking as he talks and it clearly shows. When we tell the truth –we don’t have to think about it. We intuitively know what we did. When we lie, we have to think about it. It’s not a guarantee that someone is lying – – but if someone continually does it over and over — your red flags will pile up into an undeniable outcome.

At time marker 3:24, the predator says: “I’m sorry, I’m not here to really do anything, though.” What is interesting is his use of words: I’m not here to ‘really‘ do anything ‘though‘. Notice the choice of words shows his own self-doubt. When we are confident and telling the truth, we don’t speak like this. This is a classic thinking-on-the-spot lie.

Time Marker 2:58: (Predator denying he knew victim was 13) “You know, it was due…I was actually home at that time, really drunk. I probably didn’t even pay attention.” Again, classic thinking-on-the-spot red flag. Stuttering in his speech, fragmented sentence and the weak conviction of “I probably didn’t even…”. When we tell the truth, we are certain. We don’t “probably”, “maybe”, “really”, “perhaps” excuse ourselves.

When Chris Hansen says that the girl was really 13, the predator says “Wow”. What is scary about this is it hints that he may be accomplished at deception. He quickly fakes an expression with the hopes of fooling you. This response alone and out of context might fool most people. I maybe no exception — though the guy is subdued over all — and that is a red flag. If you were truly honest in this situation, I would expect fire and fury if you realized what you were being accused of. I would not expect such a dull, and dead — lack-of-emotions response.

Time Marker 2:46: Chris Hansen asks, “And how old are you?” The perpetrator says “I’m twen…ty…(he looks off to his left and pauses)…actually twenty-eight. Yeah.”

Yeah? He is answering his own question!! That’s not normal behavior. Clearly, here you can see this is a thinking clue. He is trying to decide how old he is and once he decided, he answers himself. Oops! Do you answer yourself by accident ever? Whenever someone can’t answer a basic question like that on the spot– it’s likely a red flag (though of course not always).

Time Marker 1:43: The perpetrator says, “I mean look at me. Do you think I would do something like that? I’m very professional.” Here this man is playing on your doubts and he obviously has had practice doing it. This in itself is a red flag because of the tone he is using. He is trying to be all soft and sweet and kind — playing on Chris Hansen’s emotions (whereas an honest man would be mad, angry, frustrated anything but kind and soft) .

Most people hate to accuse other people of lying — and this guy knows that if he connects with you emotionally and gets your sympathy — he’ll win you over. If he shows you he is soft, kind and patient — you won’t believe he is deceptive. He may be able to change your mind. He’s definitely done this before.

Furthermore, do you notice he has no emotions? He doesn’t act any different when he is trying to be nice earlier compared to when he is being accused of lying? His emotions are baseline. That is always a red flag. Your emotions should match your situation and when they don’t — red flag!

Time Marker 1:11: Later with an investigator, the perpetrator continues to insist he believed the girl was 19. “I was drinking at that time, and I didn’t really….um….you know, pay attention while she’s 13…like I mean, if I was awake and I had known, I would not be here.”

Classic thinking-on-your-feet lie. Classic Joran van der Sloot behavior, isn’t it? This predator’s sentence is fragmented, doesn’t make logical sense, and is inconsistent. First he says he was drunk, then he says he wasn’t awake. Which is it? Earlier he told us he didn’t come here for that — but then he says if he had known her age — he wouldn’t be here. Two different stories! Inconsistencies in fact. You really have to watch the little details. These are what will point out a liar quickly and swiftly even if you missed all the other red flags. And facts won’t make you doubt your emotions. They either match or they don’t. It’s black and white.

This perpetrator continues on — still believing he is going to convince someone that he is a good guy – even after all of the evidence against him. He doesn’t give it up. He continues to defend himself in a mild manner. It likely means he has convinced other people before successfully that he is honest when in fact he is not. This hints at how it is likely this guy is accomplished at deception.

Did you find this interesting? Helpful? Would you like me to do more?

Quote of the Day

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“A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.”
Edgar J. Mohn

Childhood Memories: Powers of a Witch?

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Andy: She was tall, dark, and of American Indian descent. She was athletic and very boyish in her demeanor, and looks. She played sports, and got along well with most people. While we were totally opposite in many respects, we became friends. It was eighth or ninth grade.

I think the commonality that cemented our friendship was we were both very down-to-earth people. Andy was real and genuine — and had a heart under her tomboy exterior.

I’ll never forget this one night Andy came over to spend the evening with me. My parents were out, and being the scardy cat that I was — I wanted a friend to keep me company — and Andy was more than happy to oblige.

I had somehow realized that I could read people pretty good — but I wasn’t 100% so I decided to test it out on Andy. Andy was honest and would tell me what she thought — so I figured why not. It would be harmless. I just wanted to see if I was right in my thinking.

Was I right in my beliefs that I knew who Andy really liked even though she was political and acted like she liked everyone? I believed I knew. I believed I could tell Andy who she really didn’t like, too. I also believed I could tell Andy which subjects and teachers were her favorite and which ones she disliked– without so much as a hint from her. Was I correct? I was dying to know!

When Andy came over, we went into the basement and we got to talking. I said to Andy, “I bet I can tell you what you really think about your friends. I bet I can tell you who you really like, and who you don’t, and why. Want to see?“

Andy looked at me like I was a fool, but that didn’t stop me. I started talking….

“You act like you like Janet, but you really don’t, do you? She’s too prissy and snobby for you though you admire her athletic abilities. You do like Jen and Jane. They are really cool in your eyes, aren’t they? You’d like to hang out with them a lot more. That’s very clear- – but you really have no use for Jackie or Beth though you are nice to them. They drive you nuts with their non-stop chatter and high-pitched laughter, don’t they? They get on your nerves. You’d also really like to be friends with Julie, wouldn’t you? I can see all of that about you.

Andy’s face dropped. She couldn’t believe what I had just said. She looked left and then she looked right, and asked me with a puzzled look, “How do you know this stuff?”

You could see insecurity pour over her yet she tried to play it cool.

“Am I right? Am I right?”, I asked. I was getting a strong vibe that I was by the look in her eyes.

She retorted back, “Are you psychic?? Are you?! You’re starting to freak me out. Tell me, how do you know ALL of this stuff?!”

We both laughed at this point. Me, giddy with excitement that I was likely pretty good at this – – and her from fear. She was not digging this, but I didn’t know the half of it.

“Let me tell you more!”, I said. I was doing it all in good fun. “Do you want to know who Barb really likes? I can see this stuff. I’ll share it with you. She’s never told me, but I can see it. I really can.”

I went on to babble for another five or so minutes and also told Andy which teachers and subjects I suspected Andy liked and disliked. Andy stood there looking at me, almost with a blank stare as she took it all in. But as she listened, she slowly started stepping backwards — away from me. I followed behind as I rambled in my excitement oblivious to what was to come.

Once Andy had reached the stairs, she made her escape away from me. She fled upstairs as fast as she could. She looked around and thought of fleeing. Yet I hadn’t quite figured that out. She had a natural instinct to run — far away from me but it was nighttime, dark and her house was too far to walk to.

“How do you know this stuff? Tell me!! You’re really freaking me out!” She demanded to know as she glanced at the sliding door.

“I just do,” I said. “Maybe I am psychic, I don’t know.” I shrugged my shoulders eager to go on.

“Maybe you’re a witch!!” she said. “Maybe that’s it.” Her eyes were wide open at this point, fixated on my every move.

Mind you I was little and she was the big towering one of the two of us. She was a tomboy. She was the athlete. She couldn’t truly be afraid of me, I reasoned.

But something bothered me about being called a WITCH. I wasn’t evil. I wasn’t mean. I was sharing a big secret I had with HER. I was giving her inside information. How I would have loved someone to do the same for me! I believe I would think it would have been cool to be in her shoes, but she wasn’t so cool with it.

Getting frustrated by her strange belief that I was a witch, I grabbed Andy’s arm in kindness to get her attention and to tell her I wasn’t psychic nor a witch and when I did — static electricity got her — and shocked her. It sent her over the edge. I wasn’t at all prepared for what came next.

“Oh my god,” she said. “You ARE A WITCH!!!!. You have magical powers! What was that blue stuff? Was that energy? Are you beaming me? Are you going to control me?!! OH. MY. GOD! Help me.” Andy looked around unsure of what her next move should be.

I quickly realized that Andy had never seen static electricity before because her house had all wood floors. It was funny. I laughed and then I tried to explain what it was — that it was static electricity — but Andy didn’t listen. Terror took over and I lost Andy’s sanity.

Andy went into a survival mode and no amount of talking or logic was going to get through to her. I repeated, I am not a witch. I have no super-natural powers. I tried to tell her it was all a joke, I was just sharing what I saw, to calm down — but it was fruitless.

My friend Andy found an out. She LOCKED herself in my bathroom. She found a safe place to escape my fury. She feared I might turn her into a toad, or something. I don’t know.

I was mortified.

She cowered in the corner of my bathroom afraid to move out of fear of what I would do to her. She told me she had never heard of whatever that electricity was, and no matter what I said, she was always going to be convinced I was a witch with super-natural powers.

I was desperate on the other side of the door to get through to Andy with the truth — but no matter what I said, she was convinced I had created energy and shocked her on purpose and that I had the power to zap her into anything my heart desired. After all, I could read her thoughts!

I was quite pleased with my abilities but that feeling had fleeted. Now I was worried about Andy and angry at the prospect of being called a witch! I knew my parents were due home and if I didn’t get Andy out of the bathroom, I was going to be in BIG TROUBLE!! How would I ever explain this one to my parents???? I got queasy at the thought. I felt so horrible and deceptive — when I was just being honest!

I also didn’t like the feeling that I had hurt Andy. I didn’t understand it at that point. How come she was so sensitive? I mean, I was just a plain Jane. I was smaller, less popular, less athletic. What was up with her?? I was not prepared for this reaction at all. I actually looked up to her like a big sister.

I got so desperate to get Andy out, I was finally in tears! Nothing worked and I lost it. I started crying now, too, because when I needed to get through to Andy, I was unable. Her fear had taken control and they weren’t going to relinquish her to me no matter what I did. And my fear of punishment took over, too –and the two of us were a mess — each sobbing on different sides of the door — for very different reasons both of which resulted in fear.

I felt awful! Why did this have to happen this way? Why was she being so crazy, I wondered. I figured this girl must have issues. Little did I know, I was the one with issues!

After an hour of relentless begging, I finally got Andy to open to the door– thankfully before my parents came home. Andy never looked at me the same again, and left shortly thereafter very skeptical of me. No amount of explanation or apology worked. Even a dictionary clearly defining static electricity fell on blind eyes and deaf ears. I begged Andy to ask any adult about static electricity and she would see clearly for herself I was honest. I had no natural powers.

For months after that, Andy refused to be alone with me, and glared at me with big distrusting eyes. I will never forget that day for as long as I live… It was the first time I had a hint I could read people really well– though I didn’t quite know the extent of it for many years to come.

How do I do this? Most often, I use paralleling and I obviously did it long before I could explain it.

Here is another funny story from my childhood. Go figure, my favorite card game was lie. Who knew? Eyes-for-Lies Child

Change in Demeanor

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The other day my parents went to visit a local eye doctor to get their prescription renewed for their eyes glasses. My dad was diagnosed with glaucoma several years ago now, so he sees an eye specialist frequently — but this specialist doesn’t do regular eye-glass exams. Hence why he was visiting this doctor on this day.

My dad’s glaucoma specialist is well known in his field and recommended one of his past students to my parents — so my parents made an appointment and went to the recommended eye doctor.

My mom was the first patient. Dr. X treated her as if she wasn’t there, she says — or as if she were a non-entity. He did his job, was brief in his words and then he saw my dad. As my mom reflected upon her quick exam, she didn’t like the doctor’s demeanor. He was rude and she had decided she wouldn’t come back again.

Then when the doctor visited my dad, and realized my dad had glaucoma, his demeanor completely changed. He immediately came out, and got my mom — and was super friendly. All of the sudden, my mom was someone to notice.

He took my mom into the exam room with my dad and he started talking about the seriousness of my dad’s eye condition — and then promptly went on to scare the life out of both of them. This new doctor said my dad’s eye pressure was very high (which can be dangerous). He went on explain that my dad’s tear ducts were about to close and that could cause a serious medical emergency at any time which my parents had never heard about before.

He explained to my dad that the emergency could cause my dad blurred vision, vomiting, headaches — and could cause my dad blindness within hours unless the pressure was resolved and resolved quickly.

He went on to tell my parents that my dad should consider doing an iridotomy — where they laser a small hole in the eye to help reduce the pressure. He also told my dad he had cataracts, which were just starting (my dad didn’t know about this either) — but those cataracts cause eye pressure to increase — so they should have those removed too. Promptly.

This doctor went so far as to tell my dad he called his glaucoma specialist and told him that his specialist backed this doctor’s recommendations. With that, he tried to schedule my parents to come in the following Monday to start with the iridotomy and cataract removal!

My mom, who is also a truth wizard, was on to him — though nonetheless unnerved. She had no intentions of switching doctors — so what was this doctor thinking? She came home, rang me up — and asked what I thought.

I, too, noted that the change in demeanor was the first red flag that this guy was a less-than-honest individual. When my parents were there just for an eye exam — they were just a frustration to this doctor. They weren’t a good source of money. However, when the doctor saw money in my dad’s glaucoma — all of the sudden my parents were deserving of lots of attention! That’s scary. Suddenly, the doctor was energetic, interested and full of information.

But worse, he scared the hell out of them, gave them urgent time-frames and wanted to take action immediately. He also had no regard for the fact my dad already had a glaucoma specialist — he didn’t need a plain-old-eye-doctor calling the shots! That was the second huge red-flag that substantiated the first red flag. This man was not trustworthy.

You see, my dad had just seen his specialist two weeks before — and they had noted my dad’s pressure was elevated — but they were trying a new medication and giving it a reasonable and safe period of time to see if they could affect safe changes. It was during this last visit, that my parents were concerned and my dad’s specialist said not to be — there were still plenty of options before surgery. Then this new guy scared the hell out of them, unnecessarily!!

I set out to investigate what this new eye doctor was telling my dad. I couldn’t find anything anywhere on the web that says cataracts in themselves cause higher eye pressure in glaucoma patients or that they should be removed due to glaucoma.

After an hour of intense searching, I finally found out that advanced cataracts (defined as limiting vision and seriously impacting quality of life) can affect eye pressure. However, my dad was no where near this point. Essentially, what the doctor said versus what I found on the web were not in agreement. I suspect the doctor was stretching the truth for money.

My dad called his specialist and told him what this doctor had said to him. My dad asked if he should try another medication at once — or perhaps come in to review what to do — and my dad’s specialist said he didn’t see any reason for alarm and he’d see him as previously scheduled on March 1st. My dad also got the feeling that perhaps this other doctor never even called his doctor when they discussed it. We will never know for sure.

When people change their demeanor — and there is something to gain that can cause a change of demeanor — like in this situation — this doctor realized he had a great potential to do lots of procedures and make money off of my dad’s glaucoma — it’s time to run — and run fast!!! This guy wasn’t out to care for my parents. He was out for the all mighty buck.

Busted!