The Difficult Side

/in /by

I have been given an incredible gift in life — the ability to understand people, and hence see lies most of the time. If you asked me if this ability made my life easier, I would have to tell you there is no debate about it. The answer is yes: hands-down. Having this ability helps me connect and understand people very quickly. It helps me navigate life with a keen sense. It gives me confidence because I feel I can connect with just about anyone, if I choose. I am fearless in the pursuit of my goals because I see no limitations. I trust without worry — knowing that I will likely see the flags of concern before they are detrimental to my life. These are truly gifts that I am blessed with due to my ability.

But with all positives, there are negatives like the good old Chinese philosophy says: With every yin, there is a yang — but thankfully my yang is not evil as believed in the American interpretation. Rather my yang is painful.

What is this negative, you ask?

It’s easiest to describe as “a sixth perceptive sense”. I don’t know if it a sixth sense — but that’s what I’ll call it. This sense, like hearing and seeing, picks up on the emotions of those around me. Just walking past someone in the store, I pick up on their true inner feelings.

All my life, I have always felt like I was a walking sponge — soaking up the emotions of all of those who pass me by. Most of all, I pick up on the sadness in the world. And while I do pick up on happiness, too, I am sad to report — it is not the common emotion among us.

An ordinary outing for me can be painful unless I distract my mind away from it, and if I don’t want to see it, I really have to work on staying distracted or focused. There isn’t an outing that I don’t go on where I don’t pick up on the emotions. It’s a daily occurrence, and at times, it can be overwhelming. If I could turn off this perceptive ability, there are days and weeks that I would do it for relief, but unfortunately, I can’t. It’s the curse of the gift.

One recent example that stands out strong in my mind was an outing to Walmart. It was the day before Christmas, and Walmart was buzzing with activity. You’d think it would have been a happy outing. If so, you’d be mistaken.

I was happy, in a good mood and accompanied by my husband, finishing up the last few remaining tasks before our celebration. As we looked for Christmas tree bulbs to replace our burnt out ones from the storm that drained their life the night before, we passed aisle after aisle.

I happened to pass by the candy aisle as I cut across the store. When I did, I was cut off by someone else and I came face-to-face with an older gentlemen several feet into the aisle, worn by the difficulties of life, looking at the chocolates before him. He had gray, touseled hair. He was dressed in worn clothes, and wore dirt as if it were an accessory to his attire. Perhaps he worked a hard-labor job, though he was certainly old enough to have been retired. Our eyes met for a second, and the desperation I saw in his eyes ripped at my heart. It was gut-wrenching.

In those few seconds as I stood waiting for the person who just cut me off to vacate the premises, I saw before me a man desperate to find something — anything — to prove to that special someone that he did in fact love her — perhaps in spite of his actions. However, he was fruitless in his search. He needed or wanted to prove to her he cared, but he wasn’t able to come up with anything he knew would be acceptable. Panic tore at the core of his being. Christmas was tomorrow. He was at the end of his emotional rope. He so wanted to please her, but didn’t know how, and time was ticking way too fast for him. The pressure was building, and he was feeling the failure of his mission. He was living the consequences of what he knew was at his doorstep if he didn’t come up with the gift, and that was the desperation I saw. I could feel it. It was palpable, all within seconds.

Perhaps he was given an ultimatum. I don’t know. I could just see the sheer desperation of his situation in his eyes, in his body language and demeanor. And it was in that flash-of-a-second that I passed that aisle – that another man entered the aisle from behind me — and both men’s eyes met. For a second I could see the hope of this man as he wishfully thought just maybe this guy will have the answer, but it dashed off of his face as fast as it came.

I felt for this man and his relationship. It was likely in trouble, and he knew it. I knew it.

Fast forward another minute…

I then went passed the toy aisle and as I did, I saw a man glancing at children’s toys, pushing a cart with few toys inside. He was alone. He was simply dressed, perhaps in his 30s. His face expressed sadness, and a sense of being overwhelmed. He was clearly indecisive as his eyes glanced the stack of toys before him. He slowly pushed a cart as he starred at the toys thinking about what was to come, oblivious to anyone around him. He was lost in his own world. He was down, dreading the soon-to-arrive holiday.

I noticed this in the seconds it took to walk past this man. I did not stop to watch him.

Was he recently divorced? Grieving the loss of his spouse? Was this his first Christmas where he had to pull all the magical strings of Christmas for his children, and the thought was overwhelming him?? Or was it budget constraints, or fears the gifts wouldn’t be good enough? I don’t know the answer, but I do know this night for this man was anything but happy and joyous. If you pulled this man aside and talked to him, he’d have a lots of painful things to share with you, of which I would suspect, was a failed marriage. The let-downs of his life… divorce, maybe even death, being a single parent– I can only guess at that — but the pain was real and stabbing. His emotions jabbed at me in a flash.

I continued on.

I finally got my bulbs and headed for the cash register. We had been at Walmart all of five minutes. When I got to the register, a mother and her three children came into the line behind us. The children’s hair was matted, uncombed and looked worn, if that is at all possible. Their clothes were due for a washing. Perhaps this day mom took a day off and just let kids be kids. I can only guess.

Her eldest daughter, who was about 10, was holding the credit card in her fingers, twirling it with delight. That alone was quite intriguing. Most 10-year-olds don’t care much about credit cards, but this girl knew exactly what it meant! She was happy because she was getting new clothes — clothes which I presume were her Christmas gifts. Gifts that she had to pick out, but she wasn’t sad. She was radiantly happy–singing and dancing as she played with what laid before her.

But when you looked deeper, you could clearly see that youth was lost to her world. She was forced to be mature and to grow up. She was already wise to life’s hardships and the dangers that lurk in our world. This 10-year-old knew Santa wasn’t coming to her house tomorrow night. She was leaning over the conveyor belt, playing with the clothes still on the hanger — dreaming of her new fashion-statement when mom yelled at her with some snide remark and snapped the credit card out of her hand. I don’t remember the remark, but it cut through me like glass. It caused me to look closer at the family,and what I saw could paint a thousand pictures.

The mom was a single mom, or had a husband who didn’t help her do anything. Perhaps he was an addict of sorts. He only dragged her world down, if he existed in her universe at all. Mom carried the weight of the world on her shoulders, wondering day-to-day if she was going to be able to feed her kids, pay the bills and make it to work. New clothes didn’t come often. They were rare — for her and the kids — and it became very clear that this was the big Christmas spree.

These were the gifts of Christmas because mom didn’t have the time nor the energy to give more, to wrap presents, to just be happy and enjoy life. Christmas was going to be like every other day at this house because mom needed a day off. She needed a soft place to land, and she didn’t have one. She was worn out, haggard and exhausted from simply existing. Holidays were a luxury she couldn’t indulge.

In quick micro-bursts, as I walked across Walmart, I was hit with a barrage of strong emotions in a matter of seconds to minutes. I picked up on the emotions of strange people who I did not know, but their familiar faces told me stories, their expressions, mood, attire and character further filled in the details of their difficult lives. A fleeting smile often gives way to more painful realities of life. It flashes quickly in front of me, and then I cope with the pain I see, unable to fix it or make it better.

So you see, there isn’t a place I can go to in the world where I don’t encounter the true story behind the individual. It’s there before me, like the rain on a gray day. I see so much more than the average person, and often times the story that is told to me on the faces that look my way is painful, difficult and challenging for the stranger with whom I see, and me.

Often, I get down and I feel helpless. I can’t take away the pain or fix it. I can’t even make it better. I just get bear witness to it all, however unfair that is for them, and me. That is why I have big desire to use my talents for the good of people, to improve people’s lives. I want to take this ability and do something good with it. I want to help people understand other people — to not judge — but to understand. Using this talent for the good, helps balance the yin and yang, for me and that’s what I truly desire.

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I also pick up on the feelings of animals, as well. I can tell you immediately when I meet a dog if he is happy or sad — loved or neglected — just by the expression in his eyes and on his face. Dogs are very expressive as well. If only all people could see that…

Intentions

/in , /by

One of my readers has brought up a very good point: Do I read people intentionally? Do I set out to go to a party, with the intent to read people, and spot lies?

It’s an interesting question, because that is what most people probably do when they try to read someone else, they do it intentionally. I would guess, when the average person wonders if someone is lying, they tune into their observations, focus and watch with intent.

But I do not focus or watch with intent–90% of the time.

It just when you see a smile, I happen to see the falseness behind that smile. Or when you see someone saying they are doing well, I’ll see a flash of a pain that tells me otherwise. I can’t stop it, or turn it off. It’s as visible, to me, like the light of day.

When someone is telling you a story, and you are casually listening, so am I, but unlike most people, a red flag will pop out at me that the choice of words that person is using is odd, and out-of-place. It will feel strange to me. I can’t stop or change it. It’s who I am. It’s how I perceive the world.

For me, I am just as casual and relaxed as you are when I converse or watch people. I’m not prepared for, or expecting, a lie. It’s just that I see these hidden flashes of emotions, get these pangs that something isn’t jiving, or see these little red flags that something isn’t right. They usually pop up out of the blue. The information often blind-sides me most of the time. I’m not expecting it. I don’t focus to see it. It’s just there, before me, like a smile or a frown, so obvious to anyone watching.

Now granted, there are times when a casual conversation or encounter will pop up read flags in my mind, and I DO take note of them and consciously tune in. If I find value in the red flag, find I am personally involved, or someone I love is involved, then I may very well tune myself into high gear to really observe that person on a deeper level, but that is rare for me. Most of the time in my personal life, I don’t care too much about it. The lies are not important. I spot them, realize their source, instantaneously, and move on.

Ironically, I never set out to see lies. Rather, for me, I always set out to see the truth, and by the truth, I mean I set out to truly understand people. I always want to get to know the “real person” behind the exterior of society. Who are you, really?

I crave the truth, ironically: Not lies.

Another reason I know it is not a conscious choice for me to see lies is because in order to spot lies, you have to be highly attuned to other people’s emotions. I am highly attuned by my genetic make-up, to the point that I pick up on so much PAIN, at times, in the world around me, it’s almost unbearable. If I could turn it off, god knows there would be weeks and months where I would do it! I’ll write more about this in a coming post.

Emotional Overdrive

/in , /by

I planned a get together for some friends this weekend. I was really looking forward to it, wanted to make sure everyone had fun, and enjoyed themselves.

We met up with eight friends (four more of which had to cancel due to the nasty flu that is going around) and we enjoyed some casual yet great home-style Mexican food. After that, we went to a local pub, had a drink and headed to our reserved lanes at the bowling alley to try something new: cosmic bowling. Have you tried it?

Cosmic bowling is when they turn the lights down low, add a fluoresces to things, put on spinning lights with cool designs that spatter the floor and walls, and turn up some hip music. The funny thing was our nearly 40 crowd didn’t recognize any of the “hip” music! That dated us LOL.

But the irony of the whole experience was I so wanted to make sure everyone was enjoying themselves and when I tried to read them — I was flat stone-walled by my own abilities. My lie”dar” — which is also a great people reader — flat wouldn’t register other people’s true emotions. It fuzzed over, hazed and wouldn’t give a read!! I found myself relying on face-value judgments which left me in the dark, frustrated and like a blind man trying to see without his glasses. No amount of scrutinizing brought a clearer image!

At times, I would spot a genuine smile — and I knew for that instant someone was having fun — say when they bowled a strike — but that didn’t tell me if they were really having fun all evening.

I half-expected this would happen. I’ve learned over the years that if I am emotionally-invested in an outcome of something, my abilities wane, dramatically. Realistically, my emotions override my logical abilities and I am unable to differentiate between my emotional desires and the true outcome — and I second guess myself. I have doubts and I am not sure what I am seeing. When we, me or anyone is emotional — your ability to see things clearly is not dependable.

I think I’ve become hyper-aware of my emotions and I realize when they kick in. We all have this emotional overdrive (which hits us at varying degrees depending on the circumstances)– I just don’t know how many people are aware of it and explain it like I do.

There are times when my emotional overdrive kicks in and I AM able to consciously work to shut it down and focus on the true logic at hand. I can do it– but it takes time and LOTS of effort. And frankly, Saturday night I wanted to have fun so I let things be. I floated along in the fog of wonder!

So when the lie detector most wants to know something personal — affecting her — for which she is emotionally invested — guess what? There are times when I am just like the rest of the world! I must rely on face value emotions. Boy do I hate that! I feel so handicapped.

I did have one of our friends in the car on the way home with us — who is way better than average at reading people — so I spilled my guts to him — and got his take. He was certain everyone had a good time and would do it again. I’ll just have to trust him and take his word for it.

I hate when that happens…

Are you aware of your emotional overdrive short-circuiting your logic?

Brain Defects

/in /by

A week ago last Saturday, 48 Hours profiled the case of Stephen Stanko — a man who murdered two people — and raped another. His crimes were cruel and vicious. During Stanko’s trial, the prosecutor said Stanko was a man without any remorse for his actions. I would agree.

The defense team however believed that Stanko was insane — perhaps mentally ill — so they hired Dr. Thomas H. Sachy, founder of Georgia Pain and Behavioral Medicine, to test Stanko to see if he had a brain defect. Dr. Sachy scanned Stanko’s brain using a PET scan machine.

“Mr. Stanko’s brain showed decreased function in the medial orbital frontal lobes of his brain,” Dr. Sachy tells Roberts.

Looking at images of Stanko’s brain function, Dr. Sachy explained that one region of the brain directly above the eyes and behind the eyebrows is less functional as compared to a normal brain.

Asked why this is significant, Sachy says, “Well, it’s very significant, because it is this area of the brain that essentially makes us human.” (CBS 48 Hours)

I was fairly certain the jury wouldn’t buy the defense rationale presented by Dr. Sachy and in the end, I was correct. Stephen Stanko was held responsible for his crimes and sentenced to death.

BUT I believe in brain defects. I believe in Dr. Sachy’s theory. I think he is definitely on to something! He is a pioneer in medicine. One day we will understand the brain – -but today we are still in the dark ages of understanding it.

Like every other organ in the body, our brain can malfunction, not form properly, get damaged or have defects. However, when people are judging someone for a crime — unless the person is practically incoherent and proven to be so prior to a crime, we as a society don’t buy the defense of insanity.

I find that troubling. I believe in illnesses of the brain that allow people to function normally from an outward appearance (i.e. go through life’s motions) — but have serious defects in feelings, emotions, and attachments.

Furthermore, I was watching the Discovery Health Channel last night and I caught the end of Medical Incredible. It was about a woman who was in a diagnosed “vegetative state” and came back enough to be able to communicate by pointing her fingers onto letters to spell words. It was bone chilling.

One scientist tested her brain activity and found she was thinking through MRI scans. She recognized photos of her family and her dog prior to her accident. They could tell by the areas of her brain that lit up!! This doctor then put her into rehabilitation to see if they could get her functioning again — and they did. Now the woman who was in that vegetative state communicates about the hell it was. She says they treated her body but neglected her mind. She still can’t walk or talk — but is mentally 100% there! She’s even written a book, publishes to a website and e-mails daily now!! If only I could remember the woman’s name or the doctor who pioneered her study. I can’t seem to find anything about it on the web.

Here is another study ongoing now just like it.

Imagine the implications of this on the Terri Schiavo case! I believe Terri Schiavo was mentally there to some degree– but she was not able to control her responses.

I think this all points to the fact that we know very little about our brain.

One day in the future of our world, scientists will point to us and say we in the 21st century lived in the dark ages of brain science. We killed those who were truly sick and ill like stephen Stanko — and we also killed those who weren’t ill but were paralyzed physically yet totally mentally viable (Schiavo).

This is the stuff of nightmares!

Kidnapped Missouri Boys/ Bill O’Reilly

/in /by

The two boys who were kidnapped in Missouri are making the news — on nearly every station. I watched Oprah’s interview of the families of the boys yesterday, and I heard The View comment on them as well. Many people appear mystified as to why the boys didn’t run away or get help — when they were given the freedoms to surf the web, play with friends, ride their bikes, etc.

We all naturally feel deep inside if we were held against our will in any way, we’d run as soon as we could get away. That’s a natural thought process when you are free, and when you are an adult. But people are not adding to the mix several factors.

First, these are children, impressionable children. I believe when these boys were taken, they were threatened, and the children took those threats very seriously. When an adult stranger says in a very strict tone to a child that he is going to kill him and his family if he talks, or tries to escape — and then he is taken to unfamiliar places, his family doesn’t rescue him and he is isolated from anyone he knew — that child will believe that stranger.

I’ll bet 99% of children in that situation would be instilled with paralyzing fear to NOT act against the aggressor in any way, shape or form. But more than that– when these boys were likely victimized by what I suspect is a pedophile — the pedophile had an even tighter grip. Here is why…

Once a child has been forced to participate in anything he knows is not right, bad, or unacceptable — even though the child didn’t invite the problem — he still feels shame for what has happened. A child will also feel shame for whatever occurs (sexual crimes, etc.) and some may feel guilty for going with the stranger, for not fighting off the stranger, for listening to the stranger, for following the commands of the stranger (whatever those are), for positive feelings they felt in a negative situation. The more disturbing the act done to the child– the more the child will feel negative emotions pushing him deeper into silence.

These feelings of shame, guilt, and even pleasure at times will keep a child captive and even more afraid to speak up. It’s not to say that the child doesn’t know what is going on is wrong. Often times they do — but their natural feelings of shame, guilt and fear override their logic. Internal fear of having to face what happened shuts them down even further.

It’s much like a child who is sexually abused in their own home. Why don’t they speak up??

They see their parents, teachers, friends, neighbors every day — but most often the victimized children never seek out any help until someone else notices it. This situation shares many parallels to children who are kidnapped and abducted. Now, imagine all the isolation and power of an abduction. Add back in the paralyzing fear of a stranger threatening to kill you and your family and the lack of support from being removed from everything you ever knew. You will have a child held prisoner without any walls.

Furthermore, children don’t rationalize like we do as adults — that they shouldn’t feel shame — even though they do. They don’t rationalize that they didn’t invite the problem and that it is not their fault. Even some adults when victimized can’t help but feel shameful, dirty, fearful and sometimes even partially to blame — when they logically know they did nothing to provoke an attack. Even adults aren’t always able to override and rationalize their emotional feelings — so we certainly can’t expect that of children.

I hope people go easy on these children. I hope I can somehow help people understand some of the feelings these boys encountered and why they reacted the way they did. The boys need time to heal and understand that they did nothing wrong — that instead they encountered a very sick and twisted man.

When I watched Shawn Hornbeck on Oprah yesterday, I could clearly see the dichotomy of his emotions on his face. People are giving him a standing ovation, they are proud of him for making it through — and while he is happy to free and back home — he also feels tremendous shame, insecurity, and negativity. Instead of feeling all happy inside, Shawn mostly feels violated, and ashamed about what he went through — and to see all this happiness in his despair doesn’t make sense emotionally to him. Logically, I think Shawn understands it — but emotionally the pull is too strong and too difficult to make sense of and then the confusion sets in.

Shawn’s healing — as with all people victimized by crime — will depend on his ability to delineate logic from his emotional responses. If he can differentiate his emotional feelings from the logical facts — he will start to heal. He will realize this attack had nothing to do with him, was a random act of violence and that violence of this sort is rare — which is so much easier said then done. If he allows his emotions to control him, he will face continued turmoil. This is true for much of people’s heartaches in life.

Shawn also has to look at the world now and realize just because people are nice — and pleasant looking — doesn’t mean there isn’t a monster lurking underneath. The trust issues Shawn and Ben will face in life will be huge.

My heart goes out to them.

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On that note, I have seen Bill O’Reilly’s response to the news about the boys — and he is saying that he thinks Shawn Hornbeck liked his stay with the suspected pedophile. This comment from Mr. O’Reilly doesn’t surprise me — because Mr. O’Reilly can’t read emotions in people. He is what I call a ‘literalist’. He takes everything at face value. He only sees black and white. Mr. O’Reilly is color-blind.