High-Stake Lies

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When a liar stands to get a notable gain, or faces a notable loss by telling a lie, this type of lie is known as a high-stake lie. In this situation, the liar stands to gain or lose either emotionally, physically, financially or psychologically by maintaining his lie. If his lie leaks out, the liar will pay a sizable price.

It is also when the stakes are high for the liar that clues to deception leak from a liar at a far greater level than a low-stake lie.

With that, if someone lied to me about his favorite color, and had nothing to gain or lose for doing so—which is a low-stake lie—he likely wouldn’t give off detectable hints. With that, I would be in the dark along with everyone else as to what the truth is. Quite simply, this is because it doesn’t cause anyone much difficulty to say blue instead of red, or wine instead of beer.

Now, not all low-stake lies are undetectable; it really depends on the simplicity of the lie. The more simplistic the lie is, the more difficult it is to spot (e.g., favorite color). The more complex the lie becomes, the more likely it is a clue will leak (e.g., lying about your whereabouts for six hours). Regardless, though, you still don’t get the same abundance of clues as you would in a high-stake lie.

For example, in low-stake lies, you may or may not see word searching, stammering, or thinking clues. In high-stake lies, you will likely see a mixture of those, plus emotional clues.

However, when a murderer who kills for the psychological thrill is facing charges, the stakes are high. He knows his days could be numbered, and that puts pressure on him if he wants to continue to get his sick thrill. That pressure is what causes more clues.

So, next time you tell me what your favorite color is—and lie—don’t be surprised if I don’t see it. I see lies when it comes to high-stake lies. Low-stake lies are another ballgame.

Update 7/19/2007:
High-Stake Lies also dissipate once someone is convicted of a crime. After a conviction, a person no longer has anything else to lose by continuing the lie (since they are paying the ultimate price by the conviction and the sentence). Hence, the pressure that comes from having to maintain a lie dissolves away, and the person is no longer under any pressure to lie. There are no more repercussions to lying, and as a result, the clues will be greatly diminished, if not disappear altogether.

Parroting

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You know what parroting a sentence is, right? It’s when someone repeats back to you exactly what they’ve just heard.

People usually do it for three well-known reasons: (a) because they didn’t hear you right the first time, and they want to be sure they heard you correctly. And when someone doesn’t hear something, they usually indicate that fact before repeating the comment or question in order to get the attention of the other person to ensure they hear it correctly the second time. Or (b) they consciously decided to use this technique in a personal relationship to improve listening and communication skills (but this is relationship-specific). Or (c) they don’t believe what you are saying to be true. They doubt you, question the stated facts, etc., so they parrot back what you said in the form of a question.

Most people are familiar with these reasons.

But few people realize that people also parrot things back when they don’t want to hear the response they got, or because they want to deny the truth.

It’s quite fascinating.

For example, if you question a robbery suspect and say to him: Did you break into the hardware store the other night? Aren’t these your gloves? Oftentimes a liar will parrot back to the investigator: “Did I break into the hardware store the other night? Are those my gloves?” At which time, the suspect may sit and think. The thinking is clearly visible to anyone.

The robbery suspect precisely repeats the question so that he has time to think through his answer. The robber isn’t consciously stalling for time—he just doesn’t know what to say, and so he naturally just repeats the question. Also, the suspect never asks for clarification due to lack of hearing.

More often than not, the parroting individual will look confused, act like he doesn’t understand the question as he repeats it, and will stammer for words when trying to come up with an answer. He may even repeat the question multiple times. After all, the suspect is confused. He didn’t anticipate this question, and he has no idea what to say! In this example, it is a hint that someone could be deceptive.

Why is that? The truth comes naturally and flows—fiction takes time to create. And unless the question is complex, there is no excuse for confusion or a lack of understanding when parroting back a simple question like “Are these your gloves?” An honest answer doesn’t require much thought, unless of course the question is complex.

You may also encounter people who parrot when they don’t like the answer you gave them. Parroting doesn’t have to involve a lie. It could be simple displeasure to your response.

For example, if a friend asks you if you want to go out, and you say, “Sure, I’d love to,” and as soon as you do, your friend parrots back, “You’d love to go out?” The key here is they have to put the question back at you, still in a question format. If they do, it’s an indication that they really don’t like your response, and perhaps didn’t really want to hear the answer to your question. It’s either that—or they are flat-out surprised that you want to go out. The content and response will indicate which it is. If they make a strong parrot back in the form of a statement instead of a question, that would indicate potential excitement that they are thrilled to go out! It’s rather tricky, isn’t it? In this scenario, the parroted response can have three meanings!

So, next time someone parrots information back at you, look at it closely: Did they not hear you? Or are they hiding something, not really liking what they’ve just heard, disbelieving you, surprised by your action…or, could they be fibbing?

Fun Times

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Since I’ve learned that I am a deception detection wizard, I have shared it with all of my friends. While I expected a few to disappear into the distance due to insecurities or secrets, and some have retreated — others have stood steadfast by me, excited and thrilled with the knowledge. I know they are my true friends, even if they are a little nervous about my abilities.

In the process, I’ve witness something really sweet. I will be sharing something with a friend (a lunch I cooked, cookies I made, homemade wine, etc) and I will innocently without thinking ask for an opinion. I will say…”When you take a bite, give me your opinion. What do you think? Do you like it? And its okay if you don’t like it. Feel free to tell me what you really think.”

Then as I am innocently waiting for them to try it and give me a response — not even thinking about lies –I see an expressions on their face, like uh-oh. How do I deal with this one? What if I don’t like it? How do I tell her without her seeing right through me?

I can see the person’s mind going, thinking through how to handle the situation. I wish I was prepared for these responses — because if I was — I would have broken the ice. Instead, they were offering an opinion as I was figuring out what was happening before me.

One friend was smart: This friend immediately passed on the goods to another person — and let this other person decide. It was clever, fast thinking and very sweet. This behavior told me that my friend(s) do value me, don’t want to lie even a polite acceptable lie. That was really dear to me! And the second friend who then gave an opinion, in this situation, stopped for a second, and then was open and honest — almost without thought. It was precious.

For me, I much prefer the honest answer — even if you don’t like something. That’s A-O K with me. Next time I know exactly what I need to do so I know you are happy. I hate trying to hit the mark, knowing I missed – yet I hear how lovely things are! I can’t improve then because while I will know you don’t like something — I won’t know why! Remember, I am not psychic.

Better yet, when you give me an honest critique, I might actually agree with you in the end — and learn something myself! I may get a whole new, refreshing perspective. I love to learn 🙂

P.S. Do know when I am casually having fun with friends, the last thing on my radar is if you are telling me a lie. Likely, unless it is a whopper, I won’t really care enough to take note 🙂

Reading People

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In order to see lies, you have to have the fundamental skill of understanding people: knowing what makes people tick, what makes them think and do what they do. I have always known, long before I knew I could see lies, that I understood people beyond what the average person could, innately — just lately I’ve started thinking about it more. I want to understand the degree to which I am unique.

Friday night, my husband and I were watching Crime & Punishment on MSNBC’s cable channel. For those of you not familiar with the show, it’s a type of documentary. In a one hour show, you are brought into a live courtroom trial. You are introduced to all the players and get to watch them throughout the trial. Often times, you get to see them talk and interact outside of the courtroom as well. I’m simply fascinated by it! I get to watch people which naturally is a big hobby of mine.

It was when I was watching an episode Friday night that I had a light bulb moment. My light bulb moment was this: When I see a new person — a stranger — I immediately have a framework for who they are — almost without thought. The way they dress, the way they carry themselves instantly gives me a frame of who they are even before any words are spoken.

I always knew I saw more than the average person when I heard a stranger say a few sentences, but I didn’t realize I see plenty before any words are spoken.

Then as stranger’s talk, they paint an elaborate picture for me (figuratively) that builds on my initial framework and in a very short time (a couple of minutes), I can tell you heaps about a person. The amount of information I can tell you often stuns people. That’s when people often suspect I am psychic (Arrrrgh! You know I am not). My talent lies in observation and understanding of human nature: pure and simple. It’s that basic.

Anyway, on Friday night, while watching the show, I stopped the tape and asked my husband what he could tell me about the two attorneys before him — the prosecutor and the defense attorney. I could discern so much from how they dressed, how they carried themselves, how they felt about the world around them, but could he? Could he see even a little of what I saw? After all, my husband is a very intelligent man. When it comes to math and science, I’m handicapped compared to him. In those areas, he’s my wizard!

Since my people-reading skills are the baseline skill to my ability to read lies, I was curious to know what my husband sees — as he represents an intelligent normal person.

I asked my husband if he gets an initial framework when he meets someone, or if he read into a person’s personality from minimal responses — and he confirmed it for me: when he looks at someone new, a stranger, he sees a blank slate. He doesn’t see what I see. Furthermore, he said when someone starts talking, he takes everything they say at face value — exactly as I had come to suspect.

Naturally, I don’t. I want to stress that I am this way because this is how I was born. I was not taught how to “read” people. I did not consciously sit down and study people. I just realized one day that I was different — that I understood people — and this is just part of it.

How about you? Do you get a framework, and then an elaborate painting like I do when you meet a stranger? Or do you see things at face value, like my husband?

Fast forward to dinner on Saturday night. Saturday night was my husband’s birthday — so my family all went out to dinner to celebrate. At the restaurant, my mom and I were talking about my light bulb moment on Friday. My mom sees it exactly as I do. My dad, however, confirmed that he doesn’t see what “we” see. He sees it like my husband.

With that, my mom and I took note of our waiter. We started talking about him. He was bright-eyed and quick. His service was exceptional. He was friendly. He was tall and clean-cut. He was well dressed. He was confident in how he carried himself. He had the mannerisms of someone who will succeed in life. In these few clues, you can derive a lot of information — without any words being spoken.

As the waiter took our order, I watched him. But it was when the waiter was picking up the plates from our appetizer when my mom said, “Boy, that was a lot of food — and we ate it all! Do you offer any free exercise plan with this?”

The waiter laughed, and said, “Yes, actually we do. We offer complimentary laps around the restaurant. We just ask that you go clockwise until you hear the whistle. When the whistle blows, change directions, please.”

My mom laughed, and said, “Do you provide tennis shoes too?” and the waiter said, “No, our preference is that you go barefoot.”

We all laughed and the waiter went on his way. His sense of humor showed that he was a quick thinker on his feet, and that he had excellent communication skills. Furthermore, his sense of humor validated the fact that he was a secure and confident individual. You could also discern that he knew how to put people at ease.

I volunteered to my family that I suspected this young man was working this job part-time in the evening for the money — but that he had full-time career during the day or was still studying at the college level. My mom and I both bantered back and forth about how this young man was going to be successful one day. He had what it takes to get ahead. It was clear for my mom and I to see — based on simple observations. We enjoyed conjecturing about this man.

My mom then wondered if he had gone to college. After we finished dinner, got up to leave and put on our coats, my mom said, “I’ve got to tell this guy if he hasn’t gone to college — he needs to. It will open doors for him!” As she started to approach the waiter, I tried to reach for her but I missed. I wanted to say to my mom that he may have already graduated from the looks of his age (perhaps 21) — but my mom was out of grasp.

When she approached the waiter, and told him he needed to go to college because he had a bright future, the waiter responded back that he had just graduated, and that this was only a part-time job. He explained he was working full-time during the day for a magazine — pursuing his career.

The guy beamed that my mom noticed him and complimented him.

It was thrilling for me to get the feedback that my observations and understanding of people can be so accurate. But naturally, they have to be for me to see lies as much as I do. Understanding people is my baseline skill — or rather an inborn ability — seeing lies is a tributary of it. It’s just who I am…

What do you see when you meet a stranger?

Liar’s Eyes

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Approximately once a week, I review my web log (Statcounter.com) to see who is stopping by (IP numbers only), what they are reading, where they come from, and what searches are bringing people to my blog.

I think that every week since the first week I started looking, I’ve seen people searching about liar’s eyes. This week Google brought me people searching for:

can the eyes lie
eyes that lie
lie detection eyes
eyes and lies
how we can detect a liar from his eyes?
lie eye look to right

I’ve even been asked by readers if someone can simply have “lying eyes”, as in “I just don’t trust Jon’s eyes.” (in general). To skip to the point, the answer is no—someone cannot have lying eyes. That actually makes my skin crawl.

Imagine being born with eyes that people distrust. You’d be very unfortunate. It’s not like you can change your eyes.

The next question then, naturally, is whether you can tell if someone is lying simply by their eyes alone?

In short, it is not likely.

Eyes are expressive, and they express mood. However, when someone shifts their eyes, it could be for a variety of reasons other than deception, including, but not limited to, a sign of distraction, boredom, preoccupation, nervousness, insecurity, fear, and amazingly, when they are recollecting something! Yes, when people recollect things, they look out into nowhere!

I’ve even read studies that say that liars are more apt to stare at your eyes when they lie than to look away. This completely concurs with what I’ve seen, statistically speaking. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that when someone stares at you when they tell you something, they are lying. It’s simply not that straightforward.

I, myself, would never call out a liar on eyes alone. I couldn’t do it in all fairness. I might notice shifting eyes or someone giving me a direct stare, but all that would do is prompt me observe the person a little closer. If nothing else alerted me as odd or unusual, I’d forget about it.

I’d forget about it!

Eyes can show excitement by a dilated pupil, and if this excitement is inconsistent with what the person is saying, that’s a red flag. In this situation, I’d ask myself: What could this person be excited about? I’d search for other potential causes that I might have missed. If I didn’t see anything, then I’d ask myself: What could they be excited about that perhaps they are trying to conceal? Last, I’d look to see if my answers fit my hypothesis. Sometimes they do, but sometimes they don’t. That’s about all you can glean from eyes.

Please, please, please—if you are judging someone by their eyes alone—stop!! You’d be much better off listening to what the person is saying. If the person’s behavior or story is out of character for them, ask yourself why? What would cause this person to react this way? Think of all the potential reasons for the behavior change—not just the one you think it is. Think through everything. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

If they are doing something, and you suspect it, check it out further for yourself before you accuse. Get the facts. It’s the facts when misrepresented that will lead the average person to a lie quicker than anything else!