Beauty is Deceptive

/in /by

Conversations

/in /by

When I converse with people, some times I find myself putting on the other person’s shoes (so-to-speak). I instantaneously try to become that person in my mind’s eye (mostly with strangers). I try to think as if I were in the other person’s surroundings — as if I were the other person. I try to understand how I would think and feel, if I were them.

I try to listen to what I am saying as if I were the receiver — before I say it, when I say it and after I say it. I try to understand how what I am saying will come across and be perceived. I attempt to anticipate the emotional responses I will get too — to judge if I have connected to someone. Sometimes I anticipate a couple of responses because I am unsure and I wait for an outcome- not knowing what will come back at me.

Anticipating the response is something I’ve always done, yet something I’ve never set out to consciously do. It’s just who I am. It’s just what I do, innately.

For example, if I met a waitress, I would try to imagine what it would be like to be her. When I would speak to her, I would try to envision myself being a waitress — to try to understand what her perspective might be like, what her perceptions might be, what might influence her thoughts…

It isn’t that I am concerned about what others think about me. Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s more that I want to understand the other person — and relate to them in a way that we both can understand. I try to find a matching plane, so-to-speak — a commonality: More so, an understanding. I want to understand the other person I am conversing with.

Naturally, I don’t always get it right — but I never give up trying.

I think this innate inter-working of my being is what makes me know people so well. I don’t assume that people know or feel what I do. I am always trying to understand, experience and feel their world, instead.

Do you do this? Do you relate to this?

When news breaks….

/in /by

When news breaks, it’s really funny. My online reader count soars and stays soared for hours.

eye(s) for lies reading online now. My online reader count at one time today soared well over 40. I’ve seen it go higher than 70 readers at one time in the past.

It immediately alerts me that news is breaking and it must be about someone or something I’ve blogged about.

I checked my statistics and saw it right away. Everyone was searching for Jennifer Hagel-Smith. Then I looked. Apparently, Royal Caribbean has settled with Jennifer. Apparently, Jennifer is going to set up a fund in George’s honor with $25,000.

High-Stake Lies

/in , , , , /by

When a liar stands to get a notable gain, or faces a notable loss by telling a lie, this type of lie is known as a high-stake lie. In this situation, the liar stands to gain or lose either emotionally, physically, financially or psychologically by maintaining his lie. If his lie leaks out, the liar will pay a sizable price.

It is also when the stakes are high for the liar that clues to deception leak from a liar at a far greater level than a low-stake lie.

With that, if someone lied to me about his favorite color, and had nothing to gain or lose for doing so—which is a low-stake lie—he likely wouldn’t give off detectable hints. With that, I would be in the dark along with everyone else as to what the truth is. Quite simply, this is because it doesn’t cause anyone much difficulty to say blue instead of red, or wine instead of beer.

Now, not all low-stake lies are undetectable; it really depends on the simplicity of the lie. The more simplistic the lie is, the more difficult it is to spot (e.g., favorite color). The more complex the lie becomes, the more likely it is a clue will leak (e.g., lying about your whereabouts for six hours). Regardless, though, you still don’t get the same abundance of clues as you would in a high-stake lie.

For example, in low-stake lies, you may or may not see word searching, stammering, or thinking clues. In high-stake lies, you will likely see a mixture of those, plus emotional clues.

However, when a murderer who kills for the psychological thrill is facing charges, the stakes are high. He knows his days could be numbered, and that puts pressure on him if he wants to continue to get his sick thrill. That pressure is what causes more clues.

So, next time you tell me what your favorite color is—and lie—don’t be surprised if I don’t see it. I see lies when it comes to high-stake lies. Low-stake lies are another ballgame.

Update 7/19/2007:
High-Stake Lies also dissipate once someone is convicted of a crime. After a conviction, a person no longer has anything else to lose by continuing the lie (since they are paying the ultimate price by the conviction and the sentence). Hence, the pressure that comes from having to maintain a lie dissolves away, and the person is no longer under any pressure to lie. There are no more repercussions to lying, and as a result, the clues will be greatly diminished, if not disappear altogether.

Parroting

/in , , /by

You know what parroting a sentence is, right? It’s when someone repeats back to you exactly what they’ve just heard.

People usually do it for three well-known reasons: (a) because they didn’t hear you right the first time, and they want to be sure they heard you correctly. And when someone doesn’t hear something, they usually indicate that fact before repeating the comment or question in order to get the attention of the other person to ensure they hear it correctly the second time. Or (b) they consciously decided to use this technique in a personal relationship to improve listening and communication skills (but this is relationship-specific). Or (c) they don’t believe what you are saying to be true. They doubt you, question the stated facts, etc., so they parrot back what you said in the form of a question.

Most people are familiar with these reasons.

But few people realize that people also parrot things back when they don’t want to hear the response they got, or because they want to deny the truth.

It’s quite fascinating.

For example, if you question a robbery suspect and say to him: Did you break into the hardware store the other night? Aren’t these your gloves? Oftentimes a liar will parrot back to the investigator: “Did I break into the hardware store the other night? Are those my gloves?” At which time, the suspect may sit and think. The thinking is clearly visible to anyone.

The robbery suspect precisely repeats the question so that he has time to think through his answer. The robber isn’t consciously stalling for time—he just doesn’t know what to say, and so he naturally just repeats the question. Also, the suspect never asks for clarification due to lack of hearing.

More often than not, the parroting individual will look confused, act like he doesn’t understand the question as he repeats it, and will stammer for words when trying to come up with an answer. He may even repeat the question multiple times. After all, the suspect is confused. He didn’t anticipate this question, and he has no idea what to say! In this example, it is a hint that someone could be deceptive.

Why is that? The truth comes naturally and flows—fiction takes time to create. And unless the question is complex, there is no excuse for confusion or a lack of understanding when parroting back a simple question like “Are these your gloves?” An honest answer doesn’t require much thought, unless of course the question is complex.

You may also encounter people who parrot when they don’t like the answer you gave them. Parroting doesn’t have to involve a lie. It could be simple displeasure to your response.

For example, if a friend asks you if you want to go out, and you say, “Sure, I’d love to,” and as soon as you do, your friend parrots back, “You’d love to go out?” The key here is they have to put the question back at you, still in a question format. If they do, it’s an indication that they really don’t like your response, and perhaps didn’t really want to hear the answer to your question. It’s either that—or they are flat-out surprised that you want to go out. The content and response will indicate which it is. If they make a strong parrot back in the form of a statement instead of a question, that would indicate potential excitement that they are thrilled to go out! It’s rather tricky, isn’t it? In this scenario, the parroted response can have three meanings!

So, next time someone parrots information back at you, look at it closely: Did they not hear you? Or are they hiding something, not really liking what they’ve just heard, disbelieving you, surprised by your action…or, could they be fibbing?